34. How to Succeed at Forgiveness without Really Trying

For you, most wicked sir, whom to call brother
Would even infect my mouth, I do forgive
Thy rankest fault.
——The Tempest, V.i

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them more.
——Oscar Wilde

It was only natural for me to talk to friends when I got back and tell them what a rotten time I had. I even filled in my pastor, since he'd been kind enough to write the letter of recommendation for me.

Meanwhile I exchanged a handful of e-mails with B. I wanted two things: to borrow a vintage tenor banjo he'd told me about, and to discuss the Greece trip in retrospect. He said we could meet, but we never established a time.

Then one day he sent an e-mail asking me to call him, so I did, and got quite a shock. Q., as B. had told me back in Greece, reported to a supervisory board. Now some members of that board wanted to sue me for slander. I've already explained why that charge is unfounded, but still, a lawsuit is a nasty thing.

I didn't know much about Q.'s board — only what B. had told me. Q.'s Olympic-outreach organization purports to be a nonprofit; nonprofits have boards; ergo, Q. reports to a board. Members of this board, B. said, were missionaries and ministers in various parts of the world. B. thought I should talk to one of the board members if I wished to avoid being sued, but he wouldn't give me any contact information. He said he preferred that I get it from Q.

Well, I appreciated his warning, and I had plenty to say to Q.'s board, but I preferred not to talk to Q. (Maybe that's nothing but stubborn pride — you be the judge.) Furthermore, I didn't believe he'd really tell me anything, and I thought there might be another way to get the information. So I tried the gumshoe approach. Since I work for a nonprofit, I knew that registered nonprofits are required by law to publicize the names of their board members. So I investigated, but all I learned was that Q.'s organization isn't registered with the Washington state government and doesn't have 501(c)(3) status with the IRS — at least not with the name and contact information he currently uses.

More later about that.

Meanwhile, I decided the threat of a lawsuit was merely an attempt to silence me, and in defiance of it I started not only talking about my trip, but writing about it. The present blog is the result.

Speaking of results: One happy result of spending two weeks with Logan was that Sarah and I overcame our fear of babies. And so, on Father's Day 2005 we welcomed Sebastian into the world. But not long after that, at the end of August, my father died. Those events reshaped my priorities, leaving me a lot less time for writing. So I put aside the Big Fat Greek Vacation for a while, although I kept an eye on Q.'s Web sites. After all, there are more important things in life.

But if I thought Q. had forgotten about me, I was mistaken. Here, in its entirety, without comment or commercial interruption, is the text of an e-mail Q. sent out of the blue on November 19, 2005 — fourteen months after our adventures in Greece:

This is for Brian, Martin and Holly

First off. We forgive each of you for the things you did and for the things you said. For the lies you have told about us, for the gossip that some of you continue to spread and for the hateful looks that you have give us and for the justification you have given for it all and for anything that we don't know about. We forgive you, we forgive you and we forgive you!!!

Second, even though we said this in Greece to each of you and several times, it is due repeating here. If there was some way we wronged you or something that upset you that we did or some way we sinned against you. Please forgive us. If you have then can you stop talking about it so much if you have and encourage the others likewise because to everyone else it would appear that you do not forgive and they feel like they have to choose sides and we have told them "Please don't get into a sides thing". We know we are not perfect and that God's grace is the only thing to cover all our mistake.

Next, we know that you love God and want to use your talents for His glory. Please remember the same is true of us.

Finally, we could list what others have said, to appear more right on both sides probably and we can list all the ways each of us failed each other but instead let us move on to what God has called us to through His example and have grace for each other in it. And if there are any continued complaints bring them directly and let us deal with them instead of doing it through gossip and thinking that that might fix it. We know all these troubles are rooted in the enemy trying to steal experiences from our christian walk. We hope you see this as well. The devil does not want us to live in harmony.

We hope this resolves that matter. We pray for your success in Him and so you know we ourselves, are going to reclaim the experience that should have been in Greece that the enemy stoled.

Well, I composed a white-hot, two-page reply to this, tossing around terms like "antinomian" and "cheap grace" and "blaming your shortcomings on the devil," but just before I clicked the Send button I reconsidered. After all, Q., in his own way, seemed to be extending me an olive branch (albeit a Russian one). Now, I still wasn't going to offer him a list of my complaints. One, I'd seen in Greece exactly how he dealt with people who complained. Two, if, after everything that transpired, he truly didn't realize he'd done anything wrong, then bringing complaints directly to him could only elicit further denial. But, I decided, maybe this was the time to finally take B.'s advice. So I e-mailed back:

Dear Q.,

Please send me the names and contact information for the board members to whom you report. I will be happy to discuss my grievances with them.

Sincerely,

Martin

And I received the following reply:

Martin

I will have one of them make contact with you at their earliest available time. Most are missionaries around the world so expect a delay in response.

But also a heads up one of the biggest mistakes they feel I made (and B. has said this as well). the mistake was to not boot you from the trip sooner. Also after research and talking to several individual including B. they felt that you needed some serious therapy. Just thought I would let you know.

Q.

Whatever else can be said about these two e-mails from Q., it appears that forgiveness and gossip are not mutually exclusive after all. Months later I am still waiting to hear from Q.'s board member, for whom I have prepared a list of penetrating questions. Meanwhile, I remain grateful to Q. for his submission of original content to the Big Fat Greek Vacation. One simply can't make up stuff this good.